Back to the homepage.
Back to the index.

Date: January 8th, 2020

Time of Writing: 9:39 PM

Weather: Cold and clear.

Mood: Wanting to hermit it up for a week in my house. Aware that would fix none of my problems.

Day Overview: Woke up really early today by my standards with a good 9:30 AM start to my day. I used my extra time to lie on the couch and wonder why I was even awake this early. My brother wasn't feeling well and stayed home from school. On any other day this would have been absolutely fine, and it was on this one too, but it did complicate matters when it came to his Big Band Jazz concert tonight. A lot of people told him that he should not have been allowed to perform due to school policy stating that you have to come to school the day of your performance/sports game/musical or whatever, but they needed him to play so they waived it and they knew he was genuinely not feeling well so it's not like he was trying to get out of showing up or something like that. Once he woke up, we passed the time together hanging out in the living room while I played video games. Listened to some music, heated up some pizza; he got a good taste of the college deadbeat degenerate life. After he left for his soundcheck I loafed around the house for a bit before pulling myself together enough to get ready and leave the house.

The last time I was at my old high school was in December for my brother's Concert Band performance, and despite the fact that I was more out of sorts than normal that day due to the fact that I had an essay due at midnight that I needed to finish and a two hour car ride to sit through where I couldn't be writing it, I felt more at home that night. Probably because it was better attended and I blended in with the crowd better. A friend that I sat with last time also showed up to this night of performances, and that made things easier, but then people went over to him and tried to talk to him and I felt awkward just standing there. My brother did great, all the groups sounded really good, but I had a really icky feeling in my chest the whole time because of the social aspect of things. We rode the bus home together, and thus ended my day.

On My Mind: I was never the best friend to people. I'd freak out if I saw them in the hallways and not say hello or even really acknowledge them if I saw them unless we were meeting up or were really really close. I think I lost out on a lot of friendships this way, as my reputation as a generally awkward person grew. It was especially bad with the people I worked with over the summer. We'd get close and then when it was time for school to start we barely knew each other. Of course, if they were the one to initiate contact then I'd be more than receptive, but it seemed like people were generally either expecting me to make the first move (bad idea) or they were ghosting me in person. Oh well. I think I've mostly gotten over that by now with people I've met in college but when it comes to people from before then it's still hard to break out of my shell. People are strange.


Produced: I didn't write anything today, even though I thought about it a lot. My energy was chiefly spent on preparing myself for my attendance at tonight's concert. Mentally. I need to do some work tomorrow but I'm hanging out with friends again so I don't know if I'll get the chance. Friday is supposed to have good weather so I don't want to spend the day inside but I might have to. For writing's sake.

Other Thoughts: Been thinking of giving the site a new layout. Something with the text centered in the middle of the screen, so that it works better on mobile. I'll get a background that actually displays properly on there too. Suggestions are welcome and encouraged. Thanks for reading!