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Date: January 30th, 2020.

Time of Writing: 9:15 PM.

Weather: Clear, chilly.

Mood: Bored.

Day Overview: And bored is so much better than suffering, which is roughly how I started the day, a stomach ache that wouldn't fade no matter what I did. Eventually I decided that I would just deal with having it, just let it have its way, and it did, and then eventually it turned into background noise. The ache is gone, and what it took for it to leave was the conscious decision on my part not to fight it. I went and conferenced with my College Writing teacher about my essay for a little while early in the morning. While she did have good advice about my essay, I felt like some part of it just wasn't getting through to her. That must be my fault. Recently I've felt in a variety of ways like my ability to communicate with others has started to… deteriorate? I don't know if that's the right word, because it hasn't suffered a general across the board decline, but my ability to be formal and even to just start conversation has turned sour. I'm just not interacting with as many flesh and blood humans as I used to. But then again I've never been good at talking to people.

After that I sat in the library for a short while and I worked on some Japanese homework. The more I learn, the more I realize how truly fucked I am. Tomorrow I have a conference with an academic advisor that I set up in order to find a way to perhaps lighten my academic load this semester. All of the majors in the College of Humanities and Fine Arts require four semesters of a foreign language, so even if I want to major in something that has absolutely no relationship to the language, I have to learn something. It just so happens that the language I'm the most personally interested in is also the language that is the hardest to learn. If I can find an easier version of the same course, I'll gladly switch into it. If that means taking it next year, I'll do that too. I just need to get rid of something. Anything.

After the library I went and had lunch at a dining hall that was further away than made sense, because I wanted to see if I could run into anyone I knew and potentially not eat alone. This worked; I ran into my friend Gianna and we sat and caught up, since we haven't hung out together since last semester. She was done with her classes for the day and had nowhere else to be, but I had Film Studies to get to. I arrived early and took my usual seat in the middle of the back row of seats, as far away from the projector screen as I could get. The class was relatively uneventful and revolved around a discussion of Seconds that was barely tolerable, filled with wannabe film buffs trying to sound smart while discussing plot and avoiding talking about film techniques. Someone did make a very good point about the climax of the grape stomping scene being visually reminiscent of a baptism. The kind of observation that reminds me that I am incredibly dumb.

Afterwards I went back to my dorm room, where I sat and played Death Stranding for a while. I left to get dinner, and bumped into my roommate and one of his friends. I asked to see if they had a seat at their table - incredibly out of character for me - and the answer I got back was that it was pretty much full. I didn't want to suffer the awkwardness of getting there and there not being a space so I told him that I wouldn't bother him and then found a spot on my own. Sometimes I just need to be by myself for a bit... and other times I can't stand it.

On My Mind: It's hard to think of anything right now. Anything that I can share. I learned about something earlier today that's definitely on my mind right now, but is somewhat personal in a sense, and I'd rather not share it on the blog. So, instead, I'm going to link to something else, that contains a lot of thoughts, that I think are good. It's an article by one Rosa Lyster entitled Who Are Nerds that sums up a feeling that I've expressed at various points in my life and now can finally put into words that don't make me sound quite as terrible as previous tries. Here's a quote:

I explained that a nerd is a person whose outer appearance inadequately masks a deep terror that everyone will always see them the way their classmates did in high school. People who invested their personalities in being clever rather than in being good company, who are even right now toiling away under the delusion that overt displays of precocity are tolerable. People who make a big performative deal about how shy they are but are not actually vulnerable in any human way and think nothing of foisting their issues onto others. People who use you as a prop to get people to see them while pretending to be so afraid of everything.

One great example of a nerd is Pete Buttigieg. He radiates nerd energy. You can read Who Are Nerds on Popula.


Produced: Did some backend work on the site preparing for the February update. It's a little more than it might sound like at first, because I'm trying to change the style just a little bit for each month. You'll see what I mean.

Other Thoughts: Tonight is my radio show, again! Tonight's theme is 2019! My personal favorites of the year, to be precise. Check it out at 12:00 AM EST on WMUA Amherst!