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Date: January 26th, 2020

Time of Writing: 10:34 PM

Weather: Warm, clear.

Mood: Over and under tired.

Day Overview: I stayed out really late last night, hanging out with friends. I didn't come back to my dorm room until 3:00 AM, and then it took me half an hour to fall asleep. I was vibing a little too hard, I think. It was a stressful week, okay? I needed to offload some stress, and vibe - drinking was the way to do it. When I woke up to my alarm at 8:30 AM I bore the full punishment of my own actions with a splitting crown headache that had me slipping in and out of consciousness until about eleven o'clock. I had several strange dreams, including one in which I had pretty crazy long sideburns that went below my chin that I was debating cutting off with like, scissors and a hand razor. When I finally awoke I threw myself into homework and did not emerge for three hours. By the time I was done I had not had a full meal for the entire day and yet it was time for Spencer's belated birthday festivities. I quickly showered and threw on some clothes before heading out the door, meeting him on his approach to the dining hall.

We ate food while waiting for Jess and Dev to make it. Unbeknownst to Spencer, they had bought ice cream - a few different pints for each of us (I got Chocolate Fudge Brownie because I'm a piece of garbage who loves junk) and mochi for Via, who is lactose intolerant - for the celebration, and thus I had to deflect Spencer's questions of what the holdup was with those two. Basically, the only meal I've had today was that dinner and half a pint of ice cream, sue me. We went over to Jess' dorm, played some pool, and then had our desserts while socializing. Maybe it was residual hangover, but I wasn't really feeling the socialization today. I kept myself there because I wanted to be with friends and not alone, but in truth I just wanted to go back to my dorm for a while. I did so two hours ago, and I've been in here for a while.

On My Mind: One word comes to mind right now to describe how I feel, and that is somewhat hopeless. This semester is looking like it's going to be a lot of work, and I feel less connected to the world than maybe ever before. I have to remind myself that I'm here sometimes. It hurts. The workload of this semester is going to be stifling, between beginning to learn a whole new language, a total count of nine essays spread out over the next three months, including a rough draft due this Thursday, and countless social events and opportunities that I'm not going to want to let myself pass up. I straight up do not have time for a job or anything like that this semester, as much as I want one, the workload is so intense. I'm trying out this honors course and if it doesn't work I'm going to drop it but I'm worried I might lose scholarships if I do. I don't know what to do and I don't think I'll even be able to make sense of this until it's over.

It really feels like the world is ending sometimes. Kobe Bryant died today, and while I'm not as personally affected as many other people I still can't help but feel the intense sorrow and surreality of the moment. Australia is burning, and being flooded. A plague is tearing its way across the world. The doomsday clock is 100 seconds to midnight. Everything rides on this moment. What a time to have started a blog! I want to be rid of this. I don't know if I can handle being here any longer. I must hold on, too. I must document. I have a purpose, I have a purpose, I have a purpose.


Produced: Besides all the homework I did, I wrote a few hundred words of fiction today. They came out somewhat agonizingly, I've had trouble with this character's voice for a while now and every time I think I get it back I just can't help but come up short. I also put the finishing touches on this week's episode of my radio show. I can't wait to broadcast this playlist.

Other Thoughts: Sorry for the rather hopeless entry today. I've been feeling down and out of sorts for a little while now. My existence feels pretty isolated. Almost a whole month of the blog, huh? Damn. Thank you for reading.